Putting 'Merlin' to good use....

I was on vacation when the latest issue of Femnista was published; but I was thrilled to the gills to have participated again this month and wanted to showcase it here.

I finally used my good-natured love for Merlin to good use.

Read A Boy Named Merlin as well as other excellent articles featured herein.


Read Femnista July Aug 2012
Self Publishing with YUDU

BBC Merlin: The Last Dragonlord

The Last Dragonlord


 Okay, I can’t help myself. I have seen all four series (as televised thus far); but I just can’t quite Merlin.
This doesn’t mean I necessarily want to go back and watch more (near the end it almost killed me it was SO REPETITIVE and silly); but it is so enjoyable that I missed blogging about it and watching Colin Morgan smile at things.
So,
THE LAST DRAGONLORD
Opening: CAMELOT
Merlin has set free THE DRAGON VOICED BY JOHN HURT and there is MUCH pandemonium throughout Camelot as the DRAGON VOICED BY JOHN HURT takes revenge on Uther for forbidding magic and chaining him in the bowels of the dungeon and so on and so forth.

 DRAGON VOICED BY JOHN HURT: *breathes a lot of fire and propels a lot of destruction*
ARTHUR: OH NO! Dragon terror. Whatever shall we do?
UTHER PENDRAGON (looks like Rupert Giles): KILL ALL MAGICIANS
GAIUS: My Lord, I think we need a Dragonlord
UTHER PENDRAGON(looks like Rupert Giles): this is obviously the work of Magic. KILL EVERYBODY. Also, I think I KILLED all the dragonlords because they were MAGIC and in case you haven’t heard, I HATE MAGIC as will my son and heir after I am gone when he is King so watch out, magicians. I hope there are NO magicians here in the castle at all … because that, well…. that would just be dramatic foreshadowing!
MERLIN: *whistles and looks sheepishly away*


Meanwhile, back at Gaius’ house:
Merlin: Arthur and I are gonna go look for help with the dragon problem
Gaius: fortuitous! I know of a dragonlord.
Merlin: I thought they were dead. All of them!
Gaius: no! there is one left. I helped him escape under Uther’s dastardly purge of magicians. His name is Balinor. He will be played by John Lynch. Also, he is your father.
Merlin: WHAAAT???????


--Merlin and Arthur GO TO FIND BALINOR

John Lynch!  What are YOU doing here?

 Meanwhile at BALINOR’S CAVE:


Arthur is ASLEEP
John Lynch: I am grumbly and my hair is long and straggy and oily because I have left the world to hide my dragonlord abilities in shame. I don’t want to help Uther. I hope the dragon destroys Camelot because I am bitter. Though, I am bitter, I have very compassionately soulful eyes, rather like a young warlock with prominent ears who shall remain nameless.
Merlin: I thought you would help us! Gaius said you would help us! I am so disappointed *does not tell Balinor he is his son. Just mopes*
John Lynch: Fine! I’m over being bitter. I will help you.

--John Lynch, Arthur and Merlin leave the CAVE and head back towards Camelot through the forest


It is NIGHT, they make camp:


Arthur is ASLEEP
Merlin: By the way, John Lynch, I am Merlin. I am your son.
John Lynch: WHAT? That’s COOL! I am now more ridiculously fond of you than I was before. Look, your ears!
Merlin: Will you teach me how to tame dragons and stuff? I have magic? See? *is all bright-eyed with endearing boyish WONDERMENT and ACCEPTANCE*
John Lynch: Go to sleep. I will carve you a dragon out of driftwood
Merlin: OK!

Meanwhile, it is MORNING and ARTHUR wakes up and HENCEFORTH will NOT SHUT up and will interrupt EVERY DRAMATICALLY TENSE AND EMOTIONALLY MOVING MOMENT with his PROPENSITY to NOT SHUT UP.


Arthur: PRAT
Merlin: I think we are being intercepted by baddies in the forest. That NEVER happens in this show! Look, they come out of NOWHERE!
John Lynch: Merlin, Look out!


*dives in front of an ARROW and DIES!*


Merlin: Oh no! I just met you…. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (indeed, there is slow motion)
John Lynch: I am proud that you are my son
Arthur: WILL NOT SHUT UP
Merlin: sniff….

MEANWHILE, BACK at the CASTLE:
Arthur: The last dragonlord is dead so I am gonna take some knights out there and END THIS!

Merlin: sniff…

Uther Pendragon (looks like Rupert Giles) That’s too bad. But, he got what he deserved, stupid magician

Merlin: sniff

 MEANWHILE, back at GAIUS’ house
Gaius: So you see, Merlin, conveniently your dragonlord powers are inherited from your father---passed down from son to son…. And, though I never mentioned any of this before because the lore never really fit into the plotlines in the first two series, you are only dragonlord when your father is dead. And, it appears your father is dead. So, go out and get the dragon.
 

MEANWHILE, in Arthur’s Chambers:


Merlin: helps Arthur with his armor. Is sad.
Arthur: WILL NOT SHUT UP
Merlin: I will go with you to defeat the dragon
Arthur: WILL NOT SHUT UP *but endearingly gives Merlin a playful punch*

--The Knights of Camelot and Arthur and Merlin go forth to DEFEAT THE DRAGON
Dragon Voiced by John Hurt: GRRRROWL!
Arthur: is knocked unconscious as, conveniently, are ALL THE OTHERS except for MERLIN…
Merlin: *in angry latin-like chant* I am now a dragon! Look, I am tearing because I am so EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN THIS ROLE and because MY FATHER just DIED And I CAN FEEL HIM WITH ME rather like SIMBA CAN FEEL MUFASA when he is DEFEATING SCAR.
Dragon Voiced by John Hurt: I will do your bidding, young warlock/dragonmaster
Merlin: Go away and leave Camelot alone!


Reason we watch the BBC Merlin: I LOVE this kid.



Dragon Voiced by John Hurt: I guess!

Arthur wakes up and WILL NOT SHUT UP

Merlin: you slayed (slew?) the dragon, Arthur. You are a hero!

Arthur*clueless*:AWESOME

Meanwhile, back at Camelot:

Arthur: I DEFEATED THE DRAGON *hugs Guinevere*

Merlin: I DEFEATED THE DRAGON *hugs Gaius*



The End

















Merlin: A Retrospective

So, I have watched all four televised series of the BBC Merlin and often I wondered "WHY DO I KEEP WATCHING THIS?"

The rinse and repeat formulas, the stock episodes, the fact that I could figure out everything as it was happening, the cheesy lines, the bad dragon CGI, the Guinevere/ Arthur fiasco, Morgana turning into a boringly predictable baddie..... but I just COULD NOT QUIT IT ....

And I know why....

Because Colin Morgan's Merlin is the most likeable hero I have seen in an age.  He is self-depricating, humble, gold-hearted, sweet, loyal, willing to give up everything for an idea, willing to hide his own talents and gifts to ensure his friend Prince (then King) Arthur has faith in himself, knows that he is sacrificing everything for a future he may not even see....

Merlin gives you faith in the goodness of people to be absolutely, wholesomely, sterling silver to the core.  Merlin has numerous chances to leave his life as a servant to find riches or fame or notoriety or further adventure; yet, instead, he is so kind-hearted and lovely he remains Gaius' ward and assistant while putting up with Arthur's prat-ish ways and saving the world TIME AND TIME again without credit. Ever. WHATSOEVER.


How difficult his life must be ---to know that you are saving the world and not to have anyone acknowledge it....yet good-natured, sweet-smiled Merlin persists because he knows what he is doing is right.


A hero on television with a stalwart conscience.... how pleasant.  Merlin never wants a reward. At one point, and I paraphrase, Sir Gwain mentions that the reason he loves Merlin is that Merlin does wonderful things without ever knowing, or getting credit for them.  He just does it. Because he's whole-heartedly, "awww shucks" good.

Slight things make him happy, the whimsical banter with Arthur keeps him propelled forward and the dream of an idea keeps him chugging. He never takes advantage of his position, he would die willingly for his friends and he always does what is right.

With great power ( which Merlin has in spades) comes great responsibility.  It is impressive on a kid so young with such a weight on his shoulders that he doesn't abuse it.  While he keeps hidden the most integral part of himself: loaning himself to ridicule and humiliation, he is, in all other areas, a terrible liar. He only loses his temper once, he never complains, he is faithful and sunny and loving.

So, four seasons of the BBC Merlin  later having withstood and endured some of the most WTF television in the history of time ... I can solidly, solidly say that I recommend this series for its incredible hero. You will not find a better or more noble hero on television or in film.  He's not strong to look at, his ears stick out, he's dweeby and clumsy and yet he is GOLDEN...

So just watch it for him. You'll be taken in, I guarantee you, and you'll keep watching it for his insane ultimate goodness.

So, Colin Morgan, I'm on the side of your Merlin, buddy.  I think you are just the gee-whillicker, aww shucks, adorkable hero this world of stupidity and darkness and judgment, hate and manipulation needs.

Long live you.

[the cutest scene you'll see today]

BBC Merlin: Servant of Two Masters

By the time we get to the fourth series of the BBC Merlin things have gone to HADES! I am not giving you a spoiler alert because, seriously people, do you really think this show holds anything surprising? No. You have a brain (I think), you could probably figure this out. It's not the easily-deduced destination, my lovelies, 'tis the JOURNEY.....

• Uther Pendragon (Looks like Rupert Giles) is no more! 
• Morgana is an uber-baddie ( as we knew she was destined to be)
• Merlin has a purple shirt to add to his alternating blue and red ones
• Guinevere's dress line has sunken way too low (and her clothes no longer fit her busty proportions)
• Arthur is as opposed to sorcery as his father was....

It's a MESS....

And so, our regular rinse and repeat formula adds a few necessary changes.  Sure, there are still the CGI beasties and bad knights and armies and threats to Camelot and Arthur and Guinevere and Guinevere and Arthur and people getting kidnapped and royalty showing up wanting to marry someone... so on and so forth....

EVIL MORGANA cannot AFFORD A HAIRBRUSH!

but there are additional plot lines to rotate like :

• NATHANIEL PARKER being a traitor but, like Morgana before him, no one can SEE THAT HE IS A TRAITOR
• Gwaine being a close and awesome ally of Merlin ( really, next to ye olde Merlin, I think Gwaine is my favourite of the series! )
• Lancelot may or may not be dead
• there be DRAGON magic 
• As quickly as you can say "Robert Goulet", Merlin can transform himself into a wizard a la 80 years old "Sword in the Stone" esque ---his TH White-ness guise.

Also, by the fourth season, someone is going to be abducted by Morgana and her henchmen at least once an episode.  Sometimes it will be Guinevere, sometimes Arthur, sometimes Gaius, sometimes Merlin, sometimes Gaius and Guinevere AT THE SAME time... and so on and so forth....

So, as per usual, Merlin has to HIDE his magic! SAVE ARTHUR'S LIFE, put up with ARTHUR being a PRAT, put up with Arthur's sexually frustrated encounters with low-dressed Guinevere, Arthur's being an orphan, the fact that Morgana has added green eye-shadow and tangled hair to her appearance and that NATHANIEL PARKER has GOTTEN PUDGY since his Lynley days.

With all of this in mind,  I give you:

Servant of Two Masters

ARTHUR and MERLIN are running away from baddies in the FOREST

MERLIN is wounded

ARTHUR drags him under a tree trunk

Merlin: Just let me die. I am not worth it.  I am a useless servant and you are destined to be the GREATEST KING OF ALL THE KINGS

Arthur: *back-handed compliments*

Merlin: oh noes! I hear baddies approaching!

Arthur: stay here, wounded Merlin, I shall fight off this dozen or so men with my AWESOME SWORD

*SWORD FIGHTING*

But ARTHUR is OUTNUMBERED

Merlin: something something MAGICALLY spell SOMETHING magically spelling...

Arthur and the baddies are separated; but MERLIN is KIDNAPPED by .... WAIT FOR IT... MORGANA

I am going to put this snakey in your NECK, Merlin!

Morgana: I have evil green eye shadow and I never brush my hair. Who is Emrys?
Merlin: I won't tell you anything!
Morgana: I am going to get this snake to eat your insides much in the same way that Bruce Greenwood had that torturous bug in his ear in the 2009 Star Trek.  This snakey will make you turn into an ARTHUR-killing machine....

*snake slithers inside Merlin's neck so that he becomes EVIL!*

GEORGE

MEANWHILE back at the PALACE:
Gaius: MERLIN is gone (heartbreak)
Arthur: I will find him
George: I will be YOUR NEW SERVANT
Sir Leon: we should go find Merlin
George: Look! Breakfast! My efficiency!
Arthur (shirtless): I miss Merlin. I know you are a better cook and my stuff is better polished; but I JUST CAN'T QUIT HIM
Nathaniel Parker: You must abandon thoughts of finding Merlin. He is gone forever! *sinisterly looks and plots as he is in LEAGUE with MORGANA*



ARTHUR goes to FIND MERLIN in the FOREST

EVIL Merlin: look! I was in a bog!
Arthur: MERLIN I MISSED YOU! *hugs*
EVIL Merlin: *evil look* I still look like Merlin! Look, my ears!  But, I am actually possessed by evil snakey and am EVIL

MEANWHILE back in CAMELOT
Gaius: I missed you Merlin. You near broke my heart
EVIL Merlin: I am now snippy and sarcastic because I AM NOT MYSELF!...despite my ears and my general Merlin-ness.  I am going to steal this deadly poison and go for Arthur's lunch!

*does so*

MEANWHILE at the PALACE:
Guinevere: Arthur! Here is your lunch!
Arthur: YUMMO!
EVIL Merlin *carrying poisoned lunch*: Eat THIS lunch
Arthur: Nah! Guinevere already gave me lunch!
EVIL Merlin: DAMN!

*Merlin feeds poisioned lunch to the pigs.  Guinevere sees dead pigs*

MEANWHILE at GAIUS' HOUSE:
Gaius: Why would Merlin try to kill Arthur?
Guinevere: He must not be HIMSELF
Gaius: I can read about it in an old book! Ahh ...yes..... it looks as if he must be inhabited by an EVIL snakey!

....BACK AT THE PALACE:
EVIL Merlin: this crossbow attached in this wardrobe will ensure ARTHUR'S demise!
*it doesn't*
EVIL Merlin: the crossbow didn't work; but look! Poisoned BATHWATER!
Arthur *has no clothes on*: I am ready for my bath
EVIL Merlin: he he he he he he
Guinevere: STOP!
Arthur: GUINEVERE! I HAVE NO CLOTHES ON!
Guinevere: You must not get into the bath today.
*AWKWARDNESS*

ARTHUR with NO CLOTHES!

....and at GAIUS' HOUSE
*Gaius gives EVIL Merlin a potion to make the snakey inside his neck dormant*
TEMPORARILY UN-EVIL Merlin: so if I don't find the source of the snakey sorcery then I will be EVIL Merlin forever...doomed to kill Arthur and stuff and be all snippety and be meaner than my ears and general physiognomy would seemingly permit me to be?
Gaius: Yes. All of that.  Go forth and destroy the Snakey!

*TEMPORARY UN-EVIL Merlin dresses up as OLD MERLIN and goes to find Morgana.... DEFEATS THE SNAKEY so that TEMPORARILY UN-EVIL Merlin becomes AWESOME Merlin of old once more*

MEANWHILE...BACK at the PALACE:
Arthur: I think you spend all the time at the tavern
Merlin: I can't tell you otherwise; lest I BETRAY the fact that I am always off DEFEATING BAD MAGIC and saving your life. So yes, treat me like the dolt I am...
George: I am here to teach you how to polish armour
Arthur: Let me laugh like the PRAT I am!  But my Pratish heart still beats for you, Merlin. I am fond of you.
Merlin: awww. shucks.  Some things NEVER change

THIS be AWESOME Merlin! Look! how cute! EARS!

BBC Merlin: The Lady of the Lake

LOOK, how CUTE. Someone ruffle his hair and give him a COOKIE!

This is just classic television, everyone.  You'll laugh, you'll cry; you'll laugh 'cause you're crying...
It's like Robin Hood  on Speed--- with BEASTIES

Merlin: Why is that pretty girl in a cage?
Gaius: Because she is  a magician caught by a bounty hunter. Uther Pendragon doles out big rewards for sorcerers caught and brought to him. BECAUSE HE HATES withcraft.
Merlin: *puppy dog eyes* Can we save her?
Gaius: NO! BECAUSE YOU WILL BE CAUGHT
Merlin: screw that!

-Merlin loses Gaius
-Merlin magically unlocks girl from cage and hides her in a cave and brings her food.  They both have MOON EYES.

The Next Morning .... at the CASTLE:
Arthur: Go clean my boots
Merlin: *steals Arthur's food for new girlfriend*

MEANWHILE... back at the CAVE
Cave-Girl: I am Freya! I am a druid girl.  You are nice. Look, your ears! No one has ever been as kind to me.
Merlin: I am the most genuinely sweet and sincere person in the world. Sometimes my eyes tear, see?  That's because I am the most genuinely sweet and sincere person in the world.  Look! I can elevate candles with my wicked-ass magic! * is cute*

MEANWHILE... at the CASTLE:
Gaius: Sire, I think that there are killings from this big beastie thing that must be conjured by sorcery.
Uther Pendragon (looks like Rupert Giles): Let us kill ALL THE WITCHES and WARLOCKS AND SORCERERS TO DEATH! Find the escaped girl from the cage and kill her!
Bounty Hunters: DONE!


MEANWHILE..... back at Merlin and Gaius' house:
Gaius: Merlin, did you release that girl ?
Merlin: *is a terrible liar*
Gaius: I think she might be a cursed beastie. Look, I have this picture in this ancient tome to prove it...
Merlin: NOOOOOOOO!!


MEANWHILE ....back at the Cave
Merlin: So you see, Freya, we should run away together where we can have a little wood house and eat cheese and bread and see a cow and a lake and stuff. Together. And conjure things with our magic. Being magic does not mean you're cursed; just happily different.  Here, I stole this dress from Lady Morgana who is not in this episode because she is resting up for when she has to become that majorly disastrously bad-ass villain she has been foreshadowed to become. So, she won't miss it.
Freya: I want to go with you, Merlin. Because you are like a bunny rabbit, how sweet you are and how misty your eyes and how be-dimpled your smile. Go pack provisions for our journey.
Merlin: *cluelessly besotted* Sure! I'll just leave you here.


MEANWHILE... the Clock strikes Midnight. Freya TURNS INTO A PANTHER WITH BAT WINGS....
--lunges to kill the knights of Camelot and that Prat Arthur ....then sees Merlin....which MELTS her panther's heart.


Freya: *no longer a panther w. bat wings* So you see, Merlin, I am dying from my curse.
Merlin: *CRIES* I shall take you to a lake and Lady of Shallott you in a boat for down-stream *takes her to a lake and does just so, cutely*
Freya: okay!
Merlin: *sends her in a boat and causes the boat to catch fire then CRIES*

MEANWHILE ....back at Merlin and Gaius' house
Gaius: I am sorry your girlfriend is dead. I will now hug you.
Merlin: I am sorry that I lied because I am the nicest guy in the world. Ever.

MEANWHILE....back at the PALACE:
Arthur: Merlin, you seem sad.  This makes me conflicted; because we're not really friends and I treat you like rubbish; but I also like you and am not sure how I understand this.  So, instead of talking it out I will give you a noogie  *gives Merlin a noogie*


THE END

in which rachel has watched a few too many episodes of Merlin on Netflix...

Basically, Merlin  in a nutshell----

Teaser: something bad-ass wants to magically infiltrate Camelot and result in ARTHUR dying!

CREDITS

Merlin: I am Arthur's servant and he treats me like dirt; but I still love him and I am cuter than Harry Potter even though we both battle with not liking our destinies because I am humble and have a good attitude; even though everyone thinks I'm a bit of a dolt.

Look at how DAMNED CUTE this kid is! Seriously. Adorkable.

Arthur: Merlin---go polish something so I can JOUST

Guinevere: I don't look like anyone's conception of Guinevere ever and that is why I am awesome. And steadfast of heart. And sorta badass. Throw me a sword.

Gaius: I am wise beyond my years and one of my eyes is funky; I will counsel the king that there is magic in our midst while simultaneously hiding the fact that my much-adored ward Merlin is a SORCERER

Uther Pendragon (looks like Rupert Giles): SORCERY? It is all bad! Let's get some magic-genocide going here. KILL EVERYONE!

Morgana: I have bad dreams wherein I predict bad things: like Arthur dying and bad CGI beasties. I am so totally on my way to becoming Morgan Le Fey

Bad CGI Beasties:  WE WILL DESTROY CAMELOT! sometimes THERE WILL BE A UNICORN!

Merlin: OH NO! BAD CGI BEASTIES! ARTHUR DOOMED TO DEATH! I must sacrifice my worthless life for him; but first.... to the dragon!

Dragon: they spent all the CGI budget on me.  I am cool. I prophesy things. I am voiced by John Hurt.  Young Warlock, you must cryptically save Arthur while cryptically accepting this other challenge which will remain cryptic for years to come.

Merlin: I willingly accept this cryptic riddle because I am waaaaaay too nice. Look, my ears! I am cute! someone ruffle my hair and give me ice cream

Knights of Camelot: Arthur, you're a prat! we shall fight said beastie/army/sorcerer to the DEATH

*FIGHTING*
*Merlin SAVES ARTHUR'S LIFE*
*Arthur assumes it is most likely a fallen branch or a bit of good-luck*
*Merlin smiles happy that Arthur is alive; is momentarily conflicted because NO ONE EVER acknowledges it; but gets over it*

RINSE and REPEAT

( this show is interchangeable with the BBC Robin Hood ---)