Every month I think: maybe this month should be different. Maybe once and for all after 20 years of body hatred, eating disorders and body dysmorphia I will break the cycle.
Every month.
Every month I take a tally of what themes I embroidered in hatred the month before.
January ---post-Christmas with its cold nights and bevvy of work, pale skin, dry elbows and lumps and bumps best hidden under coddly sweaters--- is a usual time of skipped meals and counted carrots. Of calories looming like a devil. Of over-exercise and water retention and copious amounts of tea and loathing.
Loathing and fear.
Is this the year I will finally let myself go? Have I let myself go?
These are January's words:
you are stupid
you are lazy
Fat
How could you?
How dare you?
Remember how thin your thighs used to be? No! Don't remember how you hated them then, remember how far you've come!
But I always hated my legs, my hips, my arms. I always...
And yet... look at you: obese and pathetic.
Words I've used:
large
stupid
unloveable
undesirable
pudgy
marshmallow
lazy
unrefined
unladylike
Why does anyone want to be your friend? Why would anyone want to hang out with you? You better stay in. You better not go out. Don't got on a date. Don't talk to anyone. They don't want to see you like this.
These are January's words and I would leave them in the past-- I would desperately try to leave them in the past.
But the words are a cycle and they rear their heads. No matter how many log-ins to a counting site, gym sessions, meals skipped and loathing self-talk.
They come back: magnet words whose pull pervades, magnet words that eclipse any positive strides forward, any success, any brilliant moments.
You may be a writer Rachel, you may have a few neat projects on the go ... but you don't deserve it.
You don't deserve it because you should be thinner and fitter and you should
you should
you should....
Take your medicine, practice your self-talk, stake a pole of champion. think! think of all the wonderful things.... compare.. look around you....
February words: I will try. I will try to reclaim you...
But words are hard
and I know a lot of them
and I cut myself with them over and over again.....
10 comments:
Rachel--you truly are one of the most stunning, intriguing, fabulous people I know. And, I also know that hearing those words from the outside doesn't touch the talk from the inside. I just pray that you will someday see yourself through the eyes of everybody who sees the true you. Lovely and witty and powerful.
Although we've only met through blogging and Facebook, i can say you're totally AWESOME! Keep your chin up and remember how fabulous you are. Fearfully and wonderfully made. 😊
Listen to the Allison. The Allison is wise.
Thanks for writing this. Is it alright it I use it in counseling sessions with clients? I think the last line is so powerful - that we cut ourselves with our words. Being able to see that the negative self-talk is really self-harm is an important starting place. Kudos for you for speaking about it and best wishes and love for a full recovery.
Can I give you some words to remember when the bad words threaten to take over?
You are . . .
Beautiful
Bright
Beloved
Brilliant
Beneficent
Brave
I don't know why those all came out as B words, but maybe the alliteration will help them stick in your mind. :-) Love you, girl.
What I know is this...
1. Allison is super smart and insightful - listen to her!
2. You are a rare girl. Rare meaning valuable and precious. You are a gift to me, and I know to others, with your effervescent encouragement and beautiful transparency.
3. You are loved xo
You are:
Strikingly beautiful
The owner of a superb sense of fashion
Hilarious
Priceless
Irreplaceable
Unique
Amazing
You are amazing, and brave, and vulnerable, and inspirational, and compassionate and gorgeous. We all need more Rachels in our lives. Don't let your inner critic convince you of anything else!
^ We absolutely DO need more Rachels in our lives. But there's only one you, so keep doing what you do BEST. Love ya, Girl! <3
I think you're gorgeous and talented! But I totally relate. :\
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