Friday, June 26, 2009

Summer of Patrick O'Brian: Post Captain the Condensed Version

JA: Oh no! Treaty of Amiens! No ship! I have no money and I am not any good on land!

SM: sulks.

JA: Stephen! Stephen! Are you going to desert me now that the war is over and go to Spain?

SM: *shrugs*

JA: I know! Let's round up Barrett Bonden and Pullings and Mowatt and Killick and all the people we like and rent Melbury Lodge in the South Downs. We can hoist up rigging, raise halliards and live like we did on the Sophie....'cept on land!!!!! Wanna come? PLEEEEEEEEEEEASE! I have some new Corelli and Boccherini sheet music in my bag!

SM: Yah!

Stephen and Jack find the South Downs just as a fox hunt is taking place. What?! Is that a woman in a blue riding habit galloping after that fox? Woman in a man's sport! Wowza!

*Enter Diana Villiers to ruin the next 18 and a half books by treating Stephen like a heel*

*enter Mrs. Williams Sophia, Cecilia and Frances*

Mrs Williams: We are the Jane Austen portion of the book! I am a silly, frivolous woman trying to marry my girls off to the handsome bachelors ( well....Stephen isn't THAT handsome ) at Melbry lodge. Oh! And I have to put up with my widowed niece Diana. She has no money.*

JA:*thinks* hmmm. I like Sophia. She has a great complexion. But Diana is fascinating.

SM: * thinks* I am madly in love with Diana and may fall over due to infatuation at any moment but I am going to supress my feelings by taking her numerous blows and calling her by her last name. In turn, she will call me by my last name.

DV: *thinks* Hmmm! Stephen Maturin is like a kind little basset hound that I can toy with and tease who will look up at my mopily. I think I will keep him. But, I also want to keep Jack because he is 6'4 and brawny and that will teach my cousin Sophia and my stupid aunt.

----Lots of balls and hunting and polo and landsports.

---Maturin writes in his diary about Diana

---Jack and Diana have nightly trysts

---hark! Diana plays the piano well!

---look! Sophia has the greatest complexion ever!

---Stephen is jealous but has nothing to say. Nurses morphine addiction

---Diana calls Stephen ugly and he still follows her around like a mangy dog

---Jack is in debt (shock) and mean people come to Melbury to round him up for debtor's prison

---Stephen sneaks him out the back door

JA: where are we going?
SM: I happen to have a castle in spain. It has sheep and lemon groves
JA: La! My dear! you are an old file!
SM: *skulks*

---Stephen and Jack cross France just as war is declared and English are rounded up

JA: I am a 6"4 blonde captain with a missing ear. They will recognize me right away!!!
SM: Where is a bear costume when you need one?

----Stephen sneaks Jack into Spain disguised as bear

----They end up near Diana Villiers again

*enter Canning*

Canning: Hi! I have a privateer you might want. A Letter of Marque. You can pirate things and make money.

JA: hmmm. Nope. I think I should wiat til the admiralty gives me a commission. I wanna be a post-captain!!

Canning: *shrugs*

Admiral Harte: I am still mad at you because you had an affair with my wife. Take this soggy little sloop called Polychrest. But be warned. It might sink. Also, I cannot promise you any good officers. You might have to find them off the street.

JA: I have a ship!
SM: *secretly* I don't know if I can come this time. I have *wink* stuff to...erm....stuff to do

(Stephen is now an intelligence agent)

JA: I cannot live without you!
SM: Fine. I'll meet you at the end of the week after I finish *wink* doing *wink* stuff.... *nudge*


---Lt. Parker makes everyone mad ( including Stephen)
---Jack spends way too much time on shore with Diana and Stephen can smell her perfume on his uniform when he gets back to the ship
---Stephen starts to hate Jack
----Polychrest sucks and there is no prize money.

SM: Jack, you suck! You shouldn't keep going on shore to *cough* visit Diana because you will get arrested for debt. After I snuck you 'cross the border in a bear costume and fed you lemon juice. THIS is how you repay me? Just take Sophia and be done with it

JA: *humph* mebbe we aren't friends anymore

SM: Fine! I challenge you to a duel!


SM: hmmm ....yep!

---Stephen goes to find duelling pistols

----Jack finds out that Diana is sleeping w. Canning

---Jack goes to the pub and gets drunk:

JA: I cannot fight Stephen. This is stupid. I'm gonna end up just standing there and letting him shoot a bullet in me. And, I think I love Sophie. But, her mum won't let me marry her because she has a dowry and I am in debt. DRAT!!!

SM: hmm. I thought everyone liked me on this ship. Apparently they only liked me because Jack likes me. Damn. I have no friends.... ow!

*Polychresters "accidentally" bump into Stephen

---Stephen overhears talk of mutiny

SM: Erm... Jack. I still don't like you and you smell and I am not your friend but they are planning a mutiny. Oh! and this ship will probably sink.

----To avoid planned mutiny, Jack steers the Polychrest into battle and discovers the mutiny is as a result of the men hating Parker and not him.


SM: Oh no! Jack, you're wounded
JA: Aren't you supposed to be mad at me?
SM: Nah! I can't stay mad at you.
JA: I think I'll stick with Sophie. You can have Diana!
SM:*brightly* Thanks!

----Jack is made Post-Captain

----Jack and Stephen sail away

---Diana continues affair with Canning and continues to ruin Stephen's life


SFP said...

Your condensed versions are HILARIOUS. Thankyouthankyouthankyou for writing them.

Aarti said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jess said...

Wait - a bear costume? What?

I like your summaries. You should do them always.