Friday, January 11, 2013

Silas Marner (BBC 1985): the Condensed Version

(note: I haven’t read this book since High School; but I think this adaptation stands up? I mean, it seems similar….doesn’t it?  YAH!)


BEN KINGSLEY: I DID NOT STEAL that guy’s gold. I  have CATALEPSY which means sometimes I just fall asleep for no reason.  I was watching over that guy and I fell asleep and somebody else stole the gold.

WILLIAM DANE: I used to be your best friend; but I needed gold.  LOOK HERE, church elders:  HERE IS BEN KINGSLEY’s pocket knife !  IT IS PROOF! PROOF THAT HE STOLE THE GOLD!


BEN KINGSLEY’S FIANCEE: I no longer want to marry you, you GOLD STEALER

BEN KINGSLEY: Okay, Okay. I get it. I’m a leper from this community and you don’t want me in church. Fine. I’ll just go and wander about. You stupid Calvinists. I am wandering the Midlands until I settle somewhere.  I might be dejected; but I CAN STILL WEAVE!
 Oh look! Raveloe! Good Name! Good Cottage. I will weave things here and be an anti-social outcast and scorn community because I was BETRAYED BY CALVINISTS and church is kinda for mean people who accuse other people.
And I am going to store up all the GOLD that I am given as PAYMENT by these here Raveloeans….erm… Raveloeites?  ….THESE HERE TOWNSPEOPLE!.....
And I am going to HIDE it under the floor boards after counting it each night and revel in its awesomeness. I am like a Victorian Rumplestiltskin, so I am.
*counts gold. Hides gold*

DUNSTAN CASS: *strolling through the forest* What have we here?  A guy who is standing up and sleeping at the same time? Weird! Oh! It’s that weaver! Oh look! He dropped his gold. Odd to have SO MUCH GOLD WHILE SLEEPING WHILE STANDING UP IN THE FOREST. Mayhap I should steal it. Because this plot doesn’t have enough to do with GOLD.
*thinks of stealing it*

BEN KINGSLEY: *suddenly awake and no longer in catatonic fit*: were you going to steal my gold? Shame! It’s mine. FORSOOTH!

DUNSTAN CASS: *goes to pub, tells everyone that Ben Kingsley has lots of gold*

BEN KINGSLEY *does nothing to hide his gold in a better spot than underneath the floor board*

DUNSTAN CASS: *steals the gold*


DUNSTAN’S DOUCHEBAG OLDER BROTHER: How are you, secret wife who is addicted to opium?  How have you been neglecting my child who just sits here all blonde and cute while you go and imbibe opium?

OPIUM ADDICTED SECRET WIFE : arasdgjkl;sadjkfj ajdsklf; jkld!!!! I am a terrible mother *imbibes opium*

DUNSTAN’S DOUCHEBAG OLDER BROTHER:  Never mind, secret wife, I will leave you and our child until you clean up your act.  Meanwhile, I’mma gonna go home where my DAD is a SQUIRE and ignore you and your plight and your opium addiction and this cherub who is my daughter. 

OASW: asdjkf jadks;f jkal;ds jfkl;ajdkfl jaksld; jfkljk!!!

DUNSTAN’S DOUCHEBAG OLDER BROTHER: I shall host a big Christmas dance and everyone will dance as they do in those Jane Austen films. Ah, look! Sister Julienne from Call the Midwife. You are fair. Even though I am married and have a daughter, I shall claim you and your porcelain skin.



BEN KINGSLEY: nwjkl;lasdkjfkla;j dkfljk!  MY GOLD! IT IS STOLEN! I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO LIVE FOR! IT WAS ALL I HAD IN THE WORLD! I LOVED HOARDING GOLD! No. NO! I don’t want a new hobby. I just wantz more GOLD GOLD GOLD!


OASW: I shall bring my child to SQUIRE CASS’ estate and crash their party! HEYO! With my daughter in TOW! And he shall claim his daughter and I shall get more opium money. Oh wait. I die…. I DIE…. The world is blurry before mine eyes…. Too. Much. Opium. Daughter, daughter, where are you going?

*daughter crawls into Ben Kingsley’s cottage*

BEN KINGSLEY: egads! A baby!  With golden hair! GOLD! This is the GOLD I NEED!  THIS SYMBOLIC GOLD
*checks outside*
Looks like her mother is dead. I guess I’ll just adopt her. Why not?
*goes and peeks into the Cass Estate Party*
Hey all! I’m that reclusive weaver whose gold was stolen. Mind if I keep this baby ? her mother is dead outside in a ditch.

DUNSTAN’S DOUCHEBAG OLDER BROTHER *somewhat conflicted* Dead Opium Addicted Secret Wife. My. But, I guess this means I can get engaged to Sister Julienne.  Wanna marry ,Sister Julienne?

SISTER JULIENNE: sure thing!

DUNSTAN’S DOUCHEBAG OLDER BROTHER: Here, for your services in helping this abandoned “orphan”, I give you some gold. Buy food and stuff for the child.

BEN KINGSLEY: I SHALL CALL HER EPPIE! She shall stay with me while I weave. She is better than gold.  I also think that I can start finding a way back into the community! Mayhap these people are not so bad. MY LIFE HAS BEEN CHANGED!
*goes all Jean Valjean *

SISTER JULIENNE: It appears that I cannot have children

DUNSTAN’S DOUCHEBAG OLDER BROTHER: WHAT? How!????  This sucks. I wanteth CHILDREN. I mean I already have… but…. I mean. I WANTETH CHILDREN!

*years pass. Eppie grows up all beautiful and rural and rustic and pastoral and likes to weave flowers in her flowing locks. She takes up with a local farm boy and as fast as you can say: Hand me that Pitcher, has found love and happiness*

BEN KINGSLEY: Eppie, you are the light of my heart. YOU ARE SO MUCH BETTER THAN GOLD!


DUNSTAN’S DOUCHEBAG OLDER BROTHER: So you see, Sister Julienne, the weaver’s ward, Eppie, is actually my child. We shall claim her and bring her here. Also, it looks like my brother Dunstan stole Silas Marner’s gold. Look, here is his corpse all rotted and interred in the earth. There is gold near it.

SISTER JULIENNE: I am surprisingly unrattled that you had another secret wife and failed her so that she died of an opium addiction. Also ,that you abandoned your only child to live with that strange reclusive weaver. Whatever you say. Love ya!

DUNSTAN’S DOUCHEBAG OLDER BROTHER: I want Eppie back, Ben Kingsley, she is mine.


EPPIE: BUT HE RAISED ME. You’re THE DEFINITION OF DEADBEAT DAD! You suck!  I am staying here. I am marrying my farmboy. You can take your squiredom and your estate and go to…to… HALIFAX

BEN KINGSLEY: this is touching. Indeed, this is a touching way to end the movie.  You, Eppie, and you, Farmboy, go and get married and stay by me the rest of your lives.

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