Every month I make a pact, that I will stop the negative self-loathing and hate talk.
Every month I think: maybe this month should be different. Maybe once and for all after 20 years of body hatred, eating disorders and body dysmorphia I will break the cycle.
Every month I take a tally of what themes I embroidered in hatred the month before.
January ---post-Christmas with its cold nights and bevvy of work, pale skin, dry elbows and lumps and bumps best hidden under coddly sweaters--- is a usual time of skipped meals and counted carrots. Of calories looming like a devil. Of over-exercise and water retention and copious amounts of tea and loathing.
Loathing and fear.
Is this the year I will finally let myself go? Have I let myself go?
These are January's words:
you are stupid
you are lazy
How could you?
How dare you?
Remember how thin your thighs used to be? No! Don't remember how you hated them then, remember how far you've come!
But I always hated my legs, my hips, my arms. I always...
And yet... look at you: obese and pathetic.
Words I've used:
Why does anyone want to be your friend? Why would anyone want to hang out with you? You better stay in. You better not go out. Don't got on a date. Don't talk to anyone. They don't want to see you like this.
These are January's words and I would leave them in the past-- I would desperately try to leave them in the past.
But the words are a cycle and they rear their heads. No matter how many log-ins to a counting site, gym sessions, meals skipped and loathing self-talk.
They come back: magnet words whose pull pervades, magnet words that eclipse any positive strides forward, any success, any brilliant moments.
You may be a writer Rachel, you may have a few neat projects on the go ... but you don't deserve it.
You don't deserve it because you should be thinner and fitter and you should
Take your medicine, practice your self-talk, stake a pole of champion. think! think of all the wonderful things.... compare.. look around you....
February words: I will try. I will try to reclaim you...
But words are hard
and I know a lot of them
and I cut myself with them over and over again.....