Wednesday, January 18, 2012

BBC Merlin: Servant of Two Masters



By the time we get to the fourth series of the BBC Merlin things have gone to HADES! I am not giving you a spoiler alert because, seriously people, do you really think this show holds anything surprising? No. You have a brain (I think), you could probably figure this out. It's not the easily-deduced destination, my lovelies, 'tis the JOURNEY.....


  • Uther Pendragon (Looks like Rupert Giles) is no more! 
  • Morgana is an uber-baddie ( as we knew she was destined to be)
  • Merlin has a purple shirt to add to his alternating blue and red ones
  • Guinevere's dress line has sunken way too low (and her clothes no longer fit her busty proportions)
  • Arthur is as opposed to sorcery as his father was....


It's a MESS....

And so, our regular rinse and repeat formula adds a few necessary changes.  Sure, there are still the CGI beasties and bad knights and armies and threats to Camelot and Arthur and Guinevere and Guinevere and Arthur and people getting kidnapped and royalty showing up wanting to marry someone... so on and so forth....

EVIL MORGANA cannot AFFORD A HAIRBRUSH!


but there are additional plot lines to rotate like :


  • NATHANIEL PARKER being a traitor but, like Morgana before him, no one can SEE THAT HE IS A TRAITOR
  • Gwaine being a close and awesome ally of Merlin ( really, next to ye olde Merlin, I think Gwaine is my favourite of the series! )
  • Lancelot may or may not be dead
  • there be DRAGON magic 
  • As quickly as you can say "Robert Goulet", Merlin can transform himself into a wizard a la 80 years old "Sword in the Stone" esque ---his TH White-ness guise.


Also, by the fourth season, someone is going to be abducted by Morgana and her henchmen at least once an episode.  Sometimes it will be Guinevere, sometimes Arthur, sometimes Gaius, sometimes Merlin, sometimes Gaius and Guinevere AT THE SAME time... and so on and so forth....

So, as per usual, Merlin has to HIDE his magic! SAVE ARTHUR'S LIFE, put up with ARTHUR being a PRAT, put up with Arthur's sexually frustrated encounters with low-dressed Guinevere, Arthur's being an orphan, the fact that Morgana has added green eye-shadow and tangled hair to her appearance and that NATHANIEL PARKER has GOTTEN PUDGY since his Lynley days.

With all of this in mind,  I give you:

Servant of Two Masters

ARTHUR and MERLIN are running away from baddies in the FOREST

MERLIN is wounded

ARTHUR drags him under a tree trunk

Merlin: Just let me die. I am not worth it.  I am a useless servant and you are destined to be the GREATEST KING OF ALL THE KINGS

Arthur: *back-handed compliments*

Merlin: oh noes! I hear baddies approaching!

Arthur: stay here, wounded Merlin, I shall fight off this dozen or so men with my AWESOME SWORD

*SWORD FIGHTING*

But ARTHUR is OUTNUMBERED

Merlin: something something MAGICALLY spell SOMETHING magically spelling...

Arthur and the baddies are separated; but MERLIN is KIDNAPPED by .... WAIT FOR IT... MORGANA

I am going to put this snakey in your NECK, Merlin!


Morgana: I have evil green eye shadow and I never brush my hair. Who is Emrys?
Merlin: I won't tell you anything!
Morgana: I am going to get this snake to eat your insides much in the same way that Bruce Greenwood had that torturous bug in his ear in the 2009 Star Trek.  This snakey will make you turn into an ARTHUR-killing machine....

*snake slithers inside Merlin's neck so that he becomes EVIL!*

GEORGE
MEANWHILE back at the PALACE:
Gaius: MERLIN is gone (heartbreak)
Arthur: I will find him
George: I will be YOUR NEW SERVANT
Sir Leon: we should go find Merlin
George: Look! Breakfast! My efficiency!
Arthur (shirtless): I miss Merlin. I know you are a better cook and my stuff is better polished; but I JUST CAN'T QUIT HIM
Nathaniel Parker: You must abandon thoughts of finding Merlin. He is gone forever! *sinisterly looks and plots as he is in LEAGUE with MORGANA*



ARTHUR goes to FIND MERLIN in the FOREST

EVIL Merlin: look! I was in a bog!
Arthur: MERLIN I MISSED YOU! *hugs*
EVIL Merlin: *evil look* I still look like Merlin! Look, my ears!  But, I am actually possessed by evil snakey and am EVIL

MEANWHILE back in CAMELOT
Gaius: I missed you Merlin. You near broke my heart
EVIL Merlin: I am now snippy and sarcastic because I AM NOT MYSELF!...despite my ears and my general Merlin-ness.  I am going to steal this deadly poison and go for Arthur's lunch!

*does so*

MEANWHILE at the PALACE:
Guinevere: Arthur! Here is your lunch!
Arthur: YUMMO!
EVIL Merlin *carrying poisoned lunch*: Eat THIS lunch
Arthur: Nah! Guinevere already gave me lunch!
EVIL Merlin: DAMN!

*Merlin feeds poisioned lunch to the pigs.  Guinevere sees dead pigs*

MEANWHILE at GAIUS' HOUSE:
Gaius: Why would Merlin try to kill Arthur?
Guinevere: He must not be HIMSELF
Gaius: I can read about it in an old book! Ahh ...yes..... it looks as if he must be inhabited by an EVIL snakey!

....BACK AT THE PALACE:
EVIL Merlin: this crossbow attached in this wardrobe will ensure ARTHUR'S demise!
*it doesn't*
EVIL Merlin: the crossbow didn't work; but look! Poisoned BATHWATER!
Arthur *has no clothes on*: I am ready for my bath
EVIL Merlin: he he he he he he
Guinevere: STOP!
Arthur: GUINEVERE! I HAVE NO CLOTHES ON!
Guinevere: You must not get into the bath today.
*AWKWARDNESS*
ARTHUR with NO CLOTHES!



....and at GAIUS' HOUSE
*Gaius gives EVIL Merlin a potion to make the snakey inside his neck dormant*
TEMPORARILY UN-EVIL Merlin: so if I don't find the source of the snakey sorcery then I will be EVIL Merlin forever...doomed to kill Arthur and stuff and be all snippety and be meaner than my ears and general physiognomy would seemingly permit me to be?
Gaius: Yes. All of that.  Go forth and destroy the Snakey!

*TEMPORARY UN-EVIL Merlin dresses up as OLD MERLIN and goes to find Morgana.... DEFEATS THE SNAKEY so that TEMPORARILY UN-EVIL Merlin becomes AWESOME Merlin of old once more*

MEANWHILE...BACK at the PALACE:
Arthur: I think you spend all the time at the tavern
Merlin: I can't tell you otherwise; lest I BETRAY the fact that I am always off DEFEATING BAD MAGIC and saving your life. So yes, treat me like the dolt I am...
George: I am here to teach you how to polish armour
Arthur: Let me laugh like the PRAT I am!  But my Pratish heart still beats for you, Merlin. I am fond of you.
Merlin: awww. shucks.  Some things NEVER change

THIS be AWESOME Merlin! Look! how cute! EARS!

2 comments:

Gina said...

But does Old Merlin ever show up in Bermuda shorts?

(Yeah, I'm kind of in love with "The Sword in the Stone." :-) )

Ruth said...

I love this...I'm laughing so very hard right now. :)