Friday, September 05, 2014

Ultra Condensed: The Long Winter by Laura Ingalls Wilder

note: I've been reading through Laura Ingalls Wilder. I have been reading them one after another so some stuff is all muddled in my head

Almanzo looks like Paul Walker.

Cast:
Laura
Ma
Pa
Mary
Laura’s Other Sisters


Almanzo “more than a pretty name” Wilder
Royal “pancakes, please” Wilder
Cap Gardner
Grocer
Guy who is Hiding Wheat


Laura: it is spring now. We have to do chores. The crops were eaten by blackbirds. Let us have some green pumpkin! Everything looks amazing. Oh look, now it is summer! Summer is great! Observe, a muskrat home
Pa: That muskrat home looks hella weird, Half-pint
Sage Indian: It will be long winter. Beware the Ides of March
Pa: Let us move to town
Ma: I hate this life. One minute we live in this stupid claim shanty then we have to up and move to town. Fine, we’ll go to town. Girls, pack. Then you’ll go to school.

In Town:
Laura: So we went to school. It is cold.
Blizzard: I shall come in October BWAHHHHHHHHHH

Ma: Harumph. I wish we could have stayed on the claim.  Girls, come and help me put this red checkered tablecloth on our rustic frontroom table by the glowing stove. Forthwith, we can read a Bible verse as a treat
Mary: *angelically* I like all the Bible verses and the things from the Young Readers.  Especially about being Good. Someone knit me a scarf so I can go to the blind school
Pa: *plays fiddle and tells racist jokes*
Laura: I don’t really know whether to wear my brown calico or my green poke-bonnet or both.
Winter: I shall make your life hell, y’all *GROOOOOOWL*
Pa: Imma gonna go find food over there
Royal and Almanzo: Here, we have eight billion pancakes. Have some. With molasses.
Pa: I shall eat them all. Hey, is that extra wheat?  I could use some because my family is starving. Pass me another pancake. I will eat pancakes for them in proxy.
Almanzo: I am finally clueing in. I think people are starving.
Royal: *mouthful of pancake, so unintellible* staropmmpjkfdd
Ma: It’s a good thing we have potatoes. Here girls, eat your potatoes by the fire while I make more coffee-ground wheat into coarse bread. As a treat, you get codfish drizzle.
Girls: CODFISH DRIZZLE, HURRAY!
Pa: Well, yesterday my fingers froze, today my eyelids are frozen. Let me play one of the old songs on the fiddle. I am nothing if not resourceful*twists hay into sticks*
Laura: I love the old songs on the fiddle.
Almanzo: I shall take Cap and venture to find this rumoured ghost-wheat in the unending storm because HOW ELSE WILL PEOPLE KNOW I AM A HOT HERO WHO LOOKS LIKE PAUL WALKER?
Royal: *eats pancake* You have fun with that
Cap: I’m coming on your suicide mission
Almanzo: more the merrier. Wait. Am I supposed to be able to feel my feet? Guess not, I shall rub snow on them
Guy Whose Cabin they Stumble Across: I haven’t had visitors in many moons. Here, eat of my stew
Almanzo: Sell us wheat for starving people
GWCTSA: NO! I worked hard for that
Cap: Screw you. People are starving. Be as upright as we are.
GWCTSA: fine. But give me a billion dollars a bushel. Inflation!
Cap and Almanzo: Whatevs.*pull wheat back to town in blizzard and almost die*
Laura: So we continued eating codfish drizzle and coffee grinder bread and Ma made candles out of these neat button holes and the frost crawled on the inside of our house and we all froze to death. Hungrily.
Grocer: Look! It’s Almanzo and Cap!
Royal: *looks up uninterestingly from pancake stack* Meh.

Almanzo: We have the wheat and we risked our lives and so everyone just forget that I lied about my age to stake this claim. Kay? Kay.
Cap: Here. Buy the wheat. The townspeople are proud and will pay good money for it.
Grocer: *charges a billion dollars* INFLATION
Almanzo: So unfair, jackass.
Pa: I speak for us all. Let us all have the wheat for a decent price!
Laura: and then it was spring of a sudden; but kinda fake and we thought that the train was coming but then it didn’t; but then it did and we had a turkey dinner
Almanzo: *natch* I look SO good after this book. Wait ‘til the ladies meet my Morgan horses.  Also, spoiler alert, I build a mean pantry.



The End.
(thanks Gina Dalfonzo and Katharine Taylor for the memes)

5 comments:

Sarah Thomas said...

Oddly enough, this really did take me back to my favorite of the Little House books. Yes, I LIKED the Long Winter. I think I was into the idea of suffering when I was ten.

Hillary Manton Lodge said...

PANCAKES.

This was amazing.

Lisa Noël said...

Thanks Hillary for the link! I don't know what it is about pioneers and pancakes, but between Laura and Kirsten I always feel more spirited and tough whenever I eat them.

All of them. In a stack.

Melissa Tagg said...

This is one of my favorite things I've ever read. EVER. I feel like I'm a better person for it, too. Thank you for writing it and making the world a better place.

Caroline said...

I am very excited about what you will do with Farmer Boy.