Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Rachel Rants about 'A Bride for Christmas' Bad TV Christmas Movies with a Moral Conundrum

Okay so Christmas movies. Some have been cute “Very Merry Mix-up” and “Trading Christmas” and then there is A Bride for Christmas

I hate the Guy is bet that he can’t get girl/ Guy accepts bet and gets girl/ Guy falls for girl so calls off bet/Girl feels like she is actually a poker chip ( cause she is).  I HATE THIS PLOT DEVICE.

I hate it. I hate the "when women are poker chips" plot much to the amusement of some Douchebag's smarmy office buddies so I obviously hated this movie.

Anyways, Girl ( I’ll be darned if I can remember the character’s name ) has been engaged THREE times and never made it down the aisle. In her defense, every proposal has been some big hullabaloo and she hasn’t wanted to hurt the guy’s feelings or embarrass him ( Jumbo Tron. Movie TheatreMarquis. You get it)  I mean, seriously, I would probably say “yes!” in front of a million people too.  (Though maybe not because I HATE cliche engagement spots) So, she ends up walking down the aisle or almost walking down the aisle. 

She hasn’t had a lotta luck. The most recent guy is that Sargeant from Psych Buzz McNab who got the end of the Hallmark Hair budget on this and is a mechanic and really loves Girl.  Girl is all, Sorry! I don’t love you. Audience is all: WHERE DO YOU FIND THESE GUYS WHO ARE OBVIOUSLY SO WRONG FOR YOU WITH MIDDLE HAIRPARTS?

Then Girl meets a guy who has been bet by his friends – who are sure he is not the marrying kind--- that he can’t get a woman to say yes.  It’s all very underhandedly primate and Neanderthal and primitive and terrible. Guy is all: but she’s hot! And he hires her to decorate something because she has one of those ROM COM jobs that Mindy Kaling talks about .  And he falls for her cause she wants to eat a burger instead of Thai or sushi ( regular girl foods, I suppose) and is nice to dogs at a shelter and watches horror movies.

GUYS! We need to talk about this.  THIS IS WRONG!  I mean, I usually don’t read THAT into these things;but THIS IS A STATEMENT we have to stop making.

WOMEN (and men for that matter, I’m looking at you: How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days ) are not poker chips. You cannot barter a relationship and you have to stop COOKIE-CUTTER (here, because it is Christmas, in sparkly shapes like SANTA! And STARS!)  molding heroes and heroines into these boxes. The -cool-marriageable-girl because- she -eats -a- lot-of-non-"girl" food- and- watches- guy -things box and the Guy- who -is- a -rake- but- can -play -The First Noel -on- the- bar- piano -really- well box.

She starts to like him. They kiss and there are fireworks. In fact, she proposes to him!  But that won't last will it? that's not the way things should be in our neat little Hallmark boxes of fetid festive fare so INSTEAD they have to loop it so the big Bet reveal leaves the proposal ball in HIS court and he can---again---assume alpha stance.  God. Shoot me.

Yes, they get married at the end after she finds out she was bet on and he repents and she drags her wedding dress down the street all desolate and Buzz McNab tries to win her back but she gives away the ring he once gave her and her parents (HER PARENTS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD APPROVE OF THIS MARRIAGE) surprise her with a Christmas wedding to this douchebag who is no longer unmarriageable because he found a sweet and perfectly-toned girl who can scarf down fries like the rest of  the lads while jumping up at a scary flick

I just. I can’t.

I mean.

YAY! I've known this guy for two weeks and he's a Grade A Douchebag but he looks HOT beside my Christmas tree so WHE-BANG! I'm a Christmas Bride! 

Trading Christmas  did it right. It started with the cookie cutter molds ( Lacey from Corner Gas is all I HATE MEN!  And that hot guy with the dimples who played the teacher in Jake and the Kid  is all I DON’T WANT LOVE I AM WRITING A BOOK but they end up learning about each other AT CHRISTMAS and softening so that they blur the molds they are cut into and find a reciprocal and compromised love). I ended up buying and reading the novella. My first ever Debbie Macomber.

I can’t do it anymore.  Girl shouldn’t be condemned because she was too soft to turn a guy down in front of a million stadium viewers and thus is ostracized for bad choices and forced to become pawn to a stupid game.  It just makes me mad.

This isn’t just Bad TV Christmas movie of cheese and poor synthesized soundtrack composition and We Spent our Actual Budget on Cheryl Ladd so Amber from Clueless you get mediocre hair and makeup, no. This is something actually wrong with our society.   Death to this plot. It is not romantic and it is not festive. 


Rissi said...

I totally get what you're saying here, yet honestly so many of these Christmas movies are all about the "cookie-cutter" (unrealistic) plot, which make them SUPER easy to lovingly poke fun at. The plot in this one WAS unbelievable (I mean, really... one kiss and suddenly he's "the one"!? Like, whatever, Jessie!) but the acting was better than normal and honestly, I didn't "think" too hard while watching the movie. :)

Ooo! A Very Merry Mix-Up was cute!? How fun. I saw the promotion stuff for that - it looked cute! :)

Courtney said...

Oh, this movie was HORRIBLE. I had to turn it off half way through. Oh bad bad bad.