(note: I haven’t read this book since High School; but I
think this adaptation stands up? I mean, it seems similar….doesn’t it? YAH!)
SILAS MARNER: CONDENSED
BEN KINGSLEY: I DID NOT STEAL that guy’s gold. I have CATALEPSY which means sometimes I just
fall asleep for no reason. I was
watching over that guy and I fell asleep and somebody else stole the gold.
WILLIAM DANE: I used to be your best friend; but I needed
gold. LOOK HERE, church elders: HERE IS BEN KINGSLEY’s pocket knife ! IT IS PROOF! PROOF THAT HE STOLE THE GOLD!
CHURCH ELDERS: YOU MUST BE GONE!
BEN KINGSLEY’S FIANCEE: I no longer want to marry you, you
GOLD STEALER
BEN KINGSLEY: Okay, Okay. I get it. I’m a leper from this
community and you don’t want me in church. Fine. I’ll just go and wander about.
You stupid Calvinists. I am wandering the Midlands until I settle somewhere. I might be dejected; but I CAN STILL WEAVE!
*wanders*
Oh look! Raveloe! Good
Name! Good Cottage. I will weave things here and be an anti-social outcast and
scorn community because I was BETRAYED BY CALVINISTS and church is kinda for
mean people who accuse other people.
*weaves*
And I am going to store up all the GOLD that I am given as
PAYMENT by these here Raveloeans….erm… Raveloeites? ….THESE HERE TOWNSPEOPLE!.....
And I am going to HIDE it under the floor boards after
counting it each night and revel in its awesomeness. I am like a Victorian
Rumplestiltskin, so I am.
*counts gold. Hides gold*
DUNSTAN CASS: *strolling through the forest* What
have we here? A guy who is standing up
and sleeping at the same time? Weird! Oh! It’s that weaver! Oh look! He dropped
his gold. Odd to have SO MUCH GOLD WHILE SLEEPING WHILE STANDING UP IN THE
FOREST. Mayhap I should steal it. Because this plot doesn’t have enough to do
with GOLD.
*thinks of stealing it*
BEN KINGSLEY: *suddenly awake and no longer in catatonic
fit*: were you going to steal my gold? Shame! It’s mine. FORSOOTH!
DUNSTAN CASS: *goes to pub, tells everyone that Ben
Kingsley has lots of gold*
BEN KINGSLEY *does nothing to hide his gold in a better
spot than underneath the floor board*
DUNSTAN CASS: *steals the gold*
MEANWHILE:
DUNSTAN’S DOUCHEBAG OLDER BROTHER: How are you, secret wife
who is addicted to opium? How have you
been neglecting my child who just sits here all blonde and cute while you go
and imbibe opium?
OPIUM ADDICTED SECRET WIFE : arasdgjkl;sadjkfj ajdsklf;
jkld!!!! I am a terrible mother *imbibes opium*
DUNSTAN’S DOUCHEBAG OLDER BROTHER: Never mind, secret wife, I will leave you and
our child until you clean up your act.
Meanwhile, I’mma gonna go home where my DAD is a SQUIRE and ignore you
and your plight and your opium addiction and this cherub who is my
daughter.
OASW: asdjkf jadks;f jkal;ds jfkl;ajdkfl jaksld; jfkljk!!!
DUNSTAN’S DOUCHEBAG OLDER BROTHER: I shall host a big
Christmas dance and everyone will dance as they do in those Jane Austen films.
Ah, look! Sister Julienne from Call the
Midwife. You are fair. Even though I am married and have a daughter, I
shall claim you and your porcelain skin.
SISTER JULIENNE: You be the DASHINGEST!
AND THEN…..
BEN KINGSLEY: nwjkl;lasdkjfkla;j dkfljk! MY GOLD! IT IS STOLEN! I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO
LIVE FOR! IT WAS ALL I HAD IN THE WORLD! I LOVED HOARDING GOLD! No. NO! I don’t
want a new hobby. I just wantz more GOLD GOLD GOLD!
MEANWHILE….outside…..
OASW: I shall bring my child to SQUIRE CASS’ estate and
crash their party! HEYO! With my daughter in TOW! And he shall claim his
daughter and I shall get more opium money. Oh wait. I die…. I DIE…. The world
is blurry before mine eyes…. Too. Much. Opium. Daughter, daughter, where are
you going?
*daughter crawls into Ben Kingsley’s cottage*
BEN KINGSLEY: egads! A baby!
With golden hair! GOLD! This is the GOLD I NEED! THIS SYMBOLIC GOLD
*checks outside*
Looks like her mother is dead. I guess I’ll just adopt her.
Why not?
*goes and peeks into the Cass Estate Party*
Hey all! I’m that reclusive weaver whose gold was stolen.
Mind if I keep this baby ? her mother is dead outside in a ditch.
DUNSTAN’S DOUCHEBAG OLDER BROTHER *somewhat conflicted*
Dead Opium Addicted Secret Wife. My. But, I guess this means I can get engaged
to Sister Julienne. Wanna marry ,Sister
Julienne?
SISTER JULIENNE: sure thing!
DUNSTAN’S DOUCHEBAG OLDER BROTHER: Here, for your services
in helping this abandoned “orphan”, I give you some gold. Buy food and stuff
for the child.
BEN KINGSLEY: I SHALL CALL HER EPPIE! She shall stay with me
while I weave. She is better than gold.
I also think that I can start finding a way back into the community!
Mayhap these people are not so bad. MY LIFE HAS BEEN CHANGED!
*goes all Jean Valjean *
SISTER JULIENNE: It appears that I cannot have children
DUNSTAN’S DOUCHEBAG OLDER BROTHER: WHAT? How!???? This sucks. I wanteth CHILDREN. I mean I
already have… but…. I mean. I WANTETH CHILDREN!
*years pass. Eppie grows up all beautiful and rural and
rustic and pastoral and likes to weave flowers in her flowing locks. She takes
up with a local farm boy and as fast as you can say: Hand me that Pitcher, has found love and happiness*
BEN KINGSLEY: Eppie, you are the light of my heart. YOU ARE
SO MUCH BETTER THAN GOLD!
EPPIE: WHAT IS IT WITH THIS STORY AND GOLD? Also, with
Calvinists?
DUNSTAN’S DOUCHEBAG OLDER BROTHER: So you see, Sister
Julienne, the weaver’s ward, Eppie, is actually my child. We shall claim her
and bring her here. Also, it looks like my brother Dunstan stole Silas Marner’s
gold. Look, here is his corpse all rotted and interred in the earth. There is
gold near it.
SISTER JULIENNE: I am surprisingly unrattled that you had
another secret wife and failed her so that she died of an opium addiction. Also
,that you abandoned your only child to live with that strange reclusive weaver.
Whatever you say. Love ya!
DUNSTAN’S DOUCHEBAG OLDER BROTHER: I want Eppie back, Ben
Kingsley, she is mine.
BEN KINGSLEY *tears*
EPPIE: BUT HE RAISED ME. You’re THE DEFINITION OF DEADBEAT
DAD! You suck! I am staying here. I am
marrying my farmboy. You can take your squiredom and your estate and go to…to…
HALIFAX
BEN KINGSLEY: this is touching. Indeed, this is a touching
way to end the movie. You, Eppie, and
you, Farmboy, go and get married and stay by me the rest of your lives.
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